Deconstructing Yepsen: Tales from the Intellectually Lazy

While raising money for an "Intellectually Lazy" charity event, David Shark-Toothed Yepsen devours a H*thead L*beral Activist.

Just when you thought it was safe to read the “Des Moines Register” again (cue Jaws’ theme music here), David Yepsen opened his mouth and attempted to unleash some analysis of the Iowa Legislature’s 2007 session. Similar to the Democrat Majority’s approach of playing it safe this year, Yepsen’s scratch-‘n’-surf political analysis has avoided catching any major waves.

It was only a matter of time before the little voice inside Yepsen’s head would resurface as well as Yepsen’s trademark style and dependency on chopped logic and logical fallacies. Let’s take an “intellectually lazy” look at some of Yepsen’s analytical tells in his latest diatribe, “High hopes deflate the 2007 legislative session”:

1. When all else fails, blame Satan, or worse, teachers and public employees.

Yepsen: “Today, Democrats are more influenced by various spending constituencies, such as teacher and public-employee unions.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: Why does Yepsen continue to scapegoat unions and bash teachers? This may mean delving into Yepsen’s psyche and probing his pre-pubescent schooling experiences with a teacher who permanently scarred young David. I’m not sure I want to step into the dark side, where I may encounter a stack of Yepsen’s analysis papers submerged in a sea of blood-red ink. In Yepsen’s defense, teachers make great targets for scapegoatinly lazy people and for writers who are too lazy to look up scathing adverbs (e.g. scapegoatingly), so make up their own instead.

2. Attack “the Left” (code word for L*berals).

Yepsen: “Some on the left have grown so intellectually lazy they can only measure success by how much more they spend - not by any results they get.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: None. Irony speaks for itself.

3. Attack “the Left” (code word for L*beral Activists) Part II.

Yepsen: “Last week, for example, a profane shouting match erupted in the rotunda between some of these folks (L*beral Activists) and Democratic leader Mike Gronstal. They want public funding of election campaigns. He knows most Iowans don't want to use public money to pay for politics, and that Republicans would just find other ways to spend their money to defeat Democrats. So, he and other Democrats are saying no, and tempers flared. So ... one thing to watch in coming weeks is how centrist Democratic legislators and the liberal hotheads patch up their differences.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: Had David done his homework, he may have discovered that a nonpartisan poll conducted by Public Campaign found that 74% of those polled favored public campaign financing. What most Iowans don’t want is their elected officials spending their time raising over $500,000 for an election they’re either not running in (e.g. Sen. Gronstal) or they’re running unopposed (e.g. Rep. Rants).

4. Lose your temper and resort to name calling.

Yepsen: "So ... one thing to watch in coming weeks is how centrist Democratic legislators and the liberal hotheads patch up their differences.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: Hey now, simmer down big fella. No need to get testy and call people “hotheads,” or worse, a “centrist.” Feelings don’t grow on trees, you know? Besides, in the incident Yepsen’s referencing, a VOICE activist called Gronstal a “Republican in Democrat Clothing,” and it was Gronstal who lost his temper and responded with, “…Kiss my ass” before stomping off and dropping an F-Bomb from afar. So, who’s the hothead here, David? Had you or your paper covered this story, maybe your name calling would’ve been properly aligned with the proper subjects. Golly David, seeing how the Newspaper Association has been actively lobbying against the VOICE bill, maybe you’re right about one thing: the Democrats ARE being influenced by some spending constituencies. Meow.

Although Yepsen’s little voice did resurface in his latest effort, David did refrain from injecting his Political Editorial Omniscient (P.E.O.) narrator into his commentary. Although, Yepsen did resort to using slanted language and name-calling, which may be construed by the intellectually lazy as a step backwards in his political punditry progress. But how would I know, I’m nothing but a L*beral H*thead. (cue Jaws' theme music here)
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Cross-posted at "Political Fallout”

Yepsen’s Obsessed (with Political Editorial Omniscience)

Although the reason may be unclear (it’s either the Democrats’ or Chet Culver’s fault), it appears David Yepsen’s political “voice” may have contracted “Political Editorial Omniscience.”

Political Editorial Omniscience refers to an intrusion by the narrator in order to evaluate a politician and/or political group/party, for a reader. This is usually done implicitly, but in some cases the narrator may be more explicit, highlighting the intrusion with (brackets), bold letters, or superfluous exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Causes for the narrative impulse are unclear (The Democrats made me do it!!!), but most PEO specialists agree that the impulses result from a political writer’s attempt to maintain bias while harboring their true feelings, opinions, or intentions -- and fear that directly expressing these thoughts will have dire consequences (Fired or transferred to a FOX news media outlet center.). Often times, political writers fall prey to “The Yellow-Wallpaper Effect.” This is when the format itself (political column for syndicated newspaper) throttles the writer’s voice, thus preserving the illusion of fair and balanced reporting while sacrificing the true self.

While it’s obvious Yepsen has recently displayed the onset symptoms to PEO (Explicit use of brackets to highlight symptom), it’s not altogether clear as to what David’s trying to repress -- whether it be consciously or subconsciously.

This said, the question remains: What is Yepsen trying to say or unleash through his use of Political Editorial Omniscience? Now’s your chance, dear reader, to read between the brackets. The following passages have been lifted from recent Yepsen columns, and it’s up to you to interpret Yepsen’s intent. (Leave your answers and responses in the comment box). If you’re having trouble, you may use some of the following interpretations of David’s intent to help get you started:

A. (unveiling inner-Eeyore)

B. (unleashing his disdain for Chet Culver, Tom Vilsack, and/or Democrats)

C. (underestimating readers’ intelligence by highlighting the obvious)

D. (revealing contempt for teachers and/or teacher “unions”)

E. (attempting to use humor to attack subject while simultaneously distancing himself form the attack)

F. (no intent: merely a conjured manifestation of the blogger, T.M. Lindsey, who clearly needs therapy or a new obsession (Get a Life!!!))

G. (other, add your own interpretation)

1. “Yepsen: Think big when it comes to changing tax systems”

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like the Democrats now running the Statehouse are going to give us one. They're more interested in staying in power than in making someone mad by revamping tax structures.(And you thought mossbacks in the Legislature grew in only Republican ranks.)

2. “Hillary in Hawkeyeland” (blog)

2.1. Many Democrats say things like “I like Hillary Clinton, but…” They don’t want to rehash her husband’s presidency, or Whitewater or other scandals. Or they just don’t think she can win a general election. (Electability is always an issue with party activists, just like health care or the economy.)

2.2. The flip side is she doesn’t need to worry about people who dislike her. She’s still got enough fans that if she can locate them and turn them out on caucus night, she’ll do quite well.
(Only about 120,000 activist Democrats are likely to show up at their caucuses. Divided among half a dozen serious challengers, a candidate could win the thing with just 25,000 to 30,000 votes, though I might bump up my turnout targets if I were a candidate since all the frenzy around the 2008 presidential election may make for a - dare I say “surge” - of people on caucus night.)

2.3. (Vice President’s George H.W. Bush and Al Gore had this bubble problem in their caucus campaigns and had to work to overcome it.)

3. “Early signs of Democrats' Terry Branstad”

3.1. Instead, Culver is fond of telling, and re-telling, audiences that he wants Iowa to "achieve the greatness we all know is possible." (Some of us are waiting for him to achieve the great speech we all know is possible.)

3.2. To be fair, the Culver era is just starting and he's shown a capacity for growing and getting better at his work. Even Gov. Tom Vilsack, an attorney with a trial lawyer's good gift of gab, gave some rough speeches after he first took office. Practice with the teleprompter will help. (So will adding a speech writer to the staff.)

4. “Yepsen: Don't just play it safe, Culver”

4.1. Culver is also keeping many of Vilsack's top department heads so the transition will be smooth. (He is jettisoning some controversial Vilsackers, like natural resources director Jeff Vonk. Vonk couldn't have won Senate confirmation for another term so Culver wisely opted to avoid a nasty fight he would ultimately lose in favor of a clean slate.)

4.2. (If it took Nixon to go to China, it may take an educator to take on intransigent education bureaucrats to make real change to schools and universities.)

This Post was Sponsored by the P.E.O. Preservation Society

Early Signs of Register’s David Branstad

The Des Moines Register’s ONLY paid political columnist, David Branstad, began the new year by dismissing the new Democratic majority.

I know, I know, dear readers. You’re asking: “Don’t you mean David Yepsen?”

No. David Yepsen is showing signs of maintaining his status as the Resister’s Terry Branstad (nicknamed Governor Braindead by many Iowans), Iowa’s former governor who, during the latter two terms of his four-term stint, actually got paid while governing in a catatonic state. Sound familiar, David? Although Branstad was at the top of a list awaiting a personality donor, the P.D.A. (Personality Donor Association) could not find a suitable match during his reign as Governor. (Note: Yepsen is also on Iowa’s P.D.A. list, two spots behind Senator Grassley.)

In 1999, former Iowa Governor Terry Branstad is captured in a catatonic state at a P.D.A. endorsement event for Lamar Alexander.

Using one of Yepsen’s recent columns, “Early signs of Democrats’ Terry Branstad,” let’s highlight some areas that indicate he’s aspiring to Terry Branstad status:

Sign 1: Culver's address lacked new initiatives or ideas. It also needed a dash of spine-tingling rhetoric or some Churchillian warnings about what will happen if we don't make changes.

David, how could you forget? “Spine-tingling rhetoric” has been trademarked by Iowa’s Political Master of Horror, Rep. Steve King, and any dehumanizing comparisons by a politician are subject to litigation. (e.g. If a politician were to compare a political columnist to a sheep, this would violate the fair use act for both parties involved.) Churchillian? It’s okay to use contemporary leaders who, if we don't make changes, espouse warnings of impending doom (e.g. If we don’t win the War in Iraq, the terrorists will bring their brand of evil to America and steal jobs from hard-working Americans.)

Sign 2: Instead, Culver is fond of telling, and re-telling, audiences that he wants Iowa to "achieve the greatness we all know is possible." (Some of us are waiting for him to achieve the great speech we all know is possible.)

Yepsen uses the omniscient narrator (pretty presumptuous, David; thinking you’re "all-seeing," eh?) in an attempt to be clever, taking a jab at the new Governor’s skills as a rhetorician. (It’s clear David’s delusional and is projecting his own shortcoming of writing the great speech "only he knows is possible".)

Sign 3: To be fair, the Culver era is just starting and he's shown a capacity for growing and getting better at his work. Even Gov. Tom Vilsack, an attorney with a trial lawyer's good gift of gab, gave some rough speeches after he first took office. Practice with the teleprompter will help. (So will adding a speech writer to the staff.)

There you go with the omniscient narrator again, David. Are you hinting that Chet should retain you as his speech writer, so you can infuse some “spine-tingling rhetoric” and pepper his speeches with Churchillian warnings of doom?

Sign 4: But let's not be too negative about Culver's inaugural.

WTF? Did you read the first two-thirds of your column before you wrote this, David? By the way “let’s” is a contraction for “let-us” and it appears that you’re the only one being the Negative Nancy here, eh Eeyore? (Maybe you should add a writing coach to your staff.)

Sign 5: There was only one ominous note to Culver's big day. A winter storm blew into the state, ending a lengthy period of warm, balmy weather. Let's hope that isn't a political omen for him.

Prophesizing, are we? I think the superfluous use of the omniscient narrator has gone to your head, David – a sure sign that you may be joining Terry Branstad in the not-so-distant future…

Surviving Yepsen: Frequently Asked Questions

Frequently Asked Questions:

Who’s David Yepsen?

If you’re asking this question, consider yourself one of the fortunate ones. David Yepsen is listed as a columnist for Iowa’s largest newspaper, “The Des Moines Register,” and writes about state and national politics. How he got his job at the Register remains a mystery, although a popular rumor claims that Yepsen was willed to Gannett in 1985, when the corporate media mogul usurped the paper form the Cowles family. Legend has it that the Cowles family wanted to put a curse on Gannett, so they planted their own voodoo doll, and Yepsen was the perfect sacrifice.

What’s a “Yepsen Survivor”?

This includes anyone who has read one of Yepsen’s columns and lived to tell about it. (Note: There have been no documented cases linking a person’s cause of death to reading Yepsen, although Yepsen has registered on the forensic radar.)

How do I know if I’m suffering from symptoms related to “Surviving Yepsen”?

Upon reading David’s Yepsenities, if you experience any of the following, you should go to “Surviving Yepsen” and share your experience and/or vent as a means of alleviating the symptoms: Do you ask yourself:; “How did this guy get this job?”/“Where’s the support for his assertions?”/“Why so pessimistic?”/“WTF?”

Or do you say to yourself, “I could write better than this?” Or do you feel immediately compelled to write a letter to the editor challenging Yepsen’s assertions?

Other symptoms may include nausea, cold sweats, a new appreciation for FOX news, an onset of Turrets Syndrome, or the desire to repeatedly pound your forehead on the kitchen table and/or computer keys.

Why waste energy on Yepsen?

To help preserve our state's dignity and our first-in-the nation status for holding the Presidential Caucuses, David Yepsen must be held accountable. When the nation’s eyes are on Iowans and the media outside of Iowa turns to Yepsen for political analysis, we should not have to bury our heads in the soil. Not only does Yespen undermine the political credibility of our state, but his slanted fallacies also show that Yepsen harbors an inner-hatred for liberal/progressive Democrats, unions (especially teacher unions), optimism, the King’s English, research, bloggers, and anyone whom he perceives to be smarter than him.

So I’m a Yespen Survivor, what can I do?

Go to ‘Surviving Yepsen” and find out how you can share your experiences with fellow Yepsen Survivors and submit your own Yepsen-inspired pieces.

Yepsen Suffers from Post-Traumatic Columnist Stress Disorder

Much Adieu About Yepsen: Notes from the Political Waste Land

Having finally succumbed to the day-to-day pressures of writing a political column for the “Des Moines Register,” David Yepsen has taken his first step out of the delusional closet by admitting he suffers from “Post-Traumatic Columnist Stress Disorder.” What pushed him over the edge, you ask? Answer: the War in Iraq. More specifically, it was a combination of the Iraq War and Yepsen trying to enjoy himself on Christmas without having to think about the former, but for those of you avid readers of Yepsen’s column, who needs specifics, eh?

Post-Traumatic Columnist Stress Disorder (PTCSD) is a term for certain psychological consequences of vicarious exposure to, or confrontation with, stressful experiences that a columnist contemplates and/or writes about. The experience does not necessarily involve actually writing about the stressful experiences -- for part of the writing is the brainstorming process -- therefore deep contemplation, Internet surfing, and/or skimming the AP wire about a particular subject may lead to a manifestation of PTCSD.

Symptoms of PTCSD can include the following: incessant ramblings with no clear focus, a detached point-of-view, memory loss, occasional breakdowns and/or lapses in logic, irritability, illusions of grandeur, agoraphobia (wherein columnist is afraid to leave office to research primary sources), inability to decipher fact from fiction, and starting a political blog.

Retrospectively, Yepsen first realized he was suffering from PTCSD when he saw his experiences with the Iraq War as if he were actually in the war, more specifically a prisoner of war being subjected to a contemporary version of an ancient Chinese water torture:

It's like a water torture. The daily drip, drip, drip of it is numbing. For a while, I thought it was just me. After all, I am in the news business, especially the political end of it, and the biggest issue facing the country is what to do about this conflict. So, naturally, I'm surrounded by the debates and discussions all day in the course of my work.

David’s realization was exacerbated when he abandoned Jesus Christ on his Savior’s celebrated day of birth:

I try not to let it get to me. I go through the motions of Christmas, hoping the rituals of the holidays will jump-start the spirit. No luck. My Christmas battery is dead.

Clouded by a state of denial, these initial signs went unnoticed by Yepsen, who in turn projected a barrage of mental “tsk tsks” on unsuspecting Sleepwalkers:

It's not a humbug deal. There's just no "Merry" in front of the word. Instead, I find myself getting irritated with people who act like nothing is out of the ordinary this holiday season.

Next, a state of paralysis ensued, triggering a series of coping mechanisms:

Until you talk to them and discover that, oh, yes, they're aware of the war, are sick of it, but don't know what to do. So they've moved on. Frustrated and at a loss, they look for escapes or distractions. If they are able to find refuge in a shopping trip or a school play, good for them.

Fortunately for David, he has his column to help cope with his paralysis. Good for him. But what about the children?

None of us wants to let the grim news of war cloud a holiday for the children. We take refuge in our own memories of Christmases past and work hard to make good memories for the little ones today.

It’s clear David’s PTCSD has slipped into remission as denial rears its ugly head while he brainstorms for his next column:

They are with a bunch of lonely soldiers far away. They must ache for their loved ones and worry if today will be their day to be dribbled into the grinder of this conflict. I also think of their families at home. How ever do they cope? To hear GIs and families tell it, the folks back home sometimes have more anxiety than the troops in the field. The soldiers at the front are on edge, but they've got their comrades, their brains and pride in what they do to comfort them. (Even when the armor plates are too thin.)

David’s mental wanderings exacerbate a state of seeming paralysis:

Their people back in the States are in the dark, sweating it out, worried sick that the empty spot at the holiday table may become permanent. For a couple of thousand families, it already has. I can do nothing for either, except say my prayers, donate a few bucks to a unit family fund or say a kind word.

Or use your column to analyze and critique politicians and their policies responsible for triggering the PTCSD? Maybe then, the “Merry” will return to Yepsen next Christmas, so he can enjoy the holidays without having to worry about soldiers dying on Jesus’ birthday…

Drip…drip…drip...