Surviving Yepsen: Frequently Asked Questions

Frequently Asked Questions:

Who’s David Yepsen?

If you’re asking this question, consider yourself one of the fortunate ones. David Yepsen is listed as a columnist for Iowa’s largest newspaper, “The Des Moines Register,” and writes about state and national politics. How he got his job at the Register remains a mystery, although a popular rumor claims that Yepsen was willed to Gannett in 1985, when the corporate media mogul usurped the paper form the Cowles family. Legend has it that the Cowles family wanted to put a curse on Gannett, so they planted their own voodoo doll, and Yepsen was the perfect sacrifice.

What’s a “Yepsen Survivor”?

This includes anyone who has read one of Yepsen’s columns and lived to tell about it. (Note: There have been no documented cases linking a person’s cause of death to reading Yepsen, although Yepsen has registered on the forensic radar.)

How do I know if I’m suffering from symptoms related to “Surviving Yepsen”?

Upon reading David’s Yepsenities, if you experience any of the following, you should go to “Surviving Yepsen” and share your experience and/or vent as a means of alleviating the symptoms: Do you ask yourself:; “How did this guy get this job?”/“Where’s the support for his assertions?”/“Why so pessimistic?”/“WTF?”

Or do you say to yourself, “I could write better than this?” Or do you feel immediately compelled to write a letter to the editor challenging Yepsen’s assertions?

Other symptoms may include nausea, cold sweats, a new appreciation for FOX news, an onset of Turrets Syndrome, or the desire to repeatedly pound your forehead on the kitchen table and/or computer keys.

Why waste energy on Yepsen?

To help preserve our state's dignity and our first-in-the nation status for holding the Presidential Caucuses, David Yepsen must be held accountable. When the nation’s eyes are on Iowans and the media outside of Iowa turns to Yepsen for political analysis, we should not have to bury our heads in the soil. Not only does Yespen undermine the political credibility of our state, but his slanted fallacies also show that Yepsen harbors an inner-hatred for liberal/progressive Democrats, unions (especially teacher unions), optimism, the King’s English, research, bloggers, and anyone whom he perceives to be smarter than him.

So I’m a Yespen Survivor, what can I do?

Go to ‘Surviving Yepsen” and find out how you can share your experiences with fellow Yepsen Survivors and submit your own Yepsen-inspired pieces.